i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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