Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize