is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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