I'm going to jail i love you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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