I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
