that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize