I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
