What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
