As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
