dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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