i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
