I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
