So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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