And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
