So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
two words: eviction party
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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