I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
