He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
