I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
