GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
