please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
