I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize