sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
