Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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