It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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