I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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