cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
