Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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