I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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