Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
