I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
