My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
