I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
