you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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