Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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