I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
