My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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