I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
