dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
