I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
