I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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