70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
