I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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