So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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