Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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