Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
