I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
