i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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