just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i drank out of a bidet.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
