Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
