Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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