and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
