if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
