I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
