so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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