i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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