I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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