when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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