You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this hospital has no fireball
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
