Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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