My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
