I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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